‘Twas the Nite Beefore Krissmiss
A big Krissmiss Eve hello to all owr frends in the blogosfeer. Me and my big bruther Mao, my best frend and rasslin’ buddy Rocky, and the psyko stray cat Trip are all gatherd rownd owr big fireplace (note to self: put owt the fire beefore Sandy Claws comes!).
Tonite we are gatherd to wish yoo all a vary Merry Krissmiss, and I will do that by telling a speshul Krissmiss poem that I rited all by myself mostly. It’s called, “‘Twas the Nite Beefore Krissmiss.”
MAO: “Oh, bruther.”
ROCKY: Let the kid talk. This is nice. The fire is vary warm and toasty and yoo wood not beeleeve how wild thoze Krissmiss lites looks after a few hits of nip!!! All yoo spicy vixins, come over and kerl up with ole’ Rockyboy!!!! We’ve got lots of kozy kitty blankits, vary fleesy and warm, and sum nip cookies, and warm milk spikt with Rocky’s speshul blend!
TRIP: [Talking a hundred miles an hour] I git yer overflow!!!! I’ve got giant wisker humps and enormus paws! Hoo wunts to sit by me??? [Lunges at the plate of cookies and scatters them on the floor.] Whoops! My Bad! Hey, Merry Krissmiss evrybuddy I’m so glad to have a nice warm home and that I don’t hafta live in the forist anymore Hey, hoo wunts to help me nok down the Krissmiss tree??? Huh? anybuddy? Wo Rocky did yoo invite ALL yer spicy vixins?
MAO: “Oh, bruther.”
SKEEZIX: C’mon yoo guys! It’s time for my Krissmiss poem! Greet owr gests and help git evrywun settled in! We’ve gotta git done and git into bed beefore Sandy Claws comes!
MAO: Yeah, rite. Whutever. Okay, evrybuddy. How abowt Meezers and cool cats over by me. Nawty gerls over with Rocky. Psyko kitties, take yer life in yer hands and sit by Trip. There. Are we dun? Can I nap now?
SKEEZIX: Mao, be nice. It’s Krissmiss. Okay is evrywun reddy and cumfy??? [Clears his throat.] Heer we go!
‘Twas the nite beefore Krissmiss, and all thru the blogs
Not a creechur was posting, not even the dawgs.
The stockings were hung so they lookt reely nice,
Stuffed with catnip and toys and Temptayshuns and mice.
Mao and Rocky and Trip were asleep in thare beds,
While vizhuns of Fancy Feest danced in thare heds.
I was snuggled up warm in my pink satin robe,
Working hard at removing some poop frum my toe.
When out on the lawn thare arose such a rakkit,
I got up to investigate and maybe attak it.
I peeked thru the shutters and glanced at the lawn
And looked up the street to whut looked like the dawn:
Mr Tinydik’s howse was ablaze in wite lite
So the street looked like daytime, even tho it was nite.
When then whut to my wundering eyes shood apeer,
But a fat geezer guy and 8 vishus ranedeer!
The geezer was spry – he was lively and qwik,
So I thot then that Rocky must’ve slipt me sum ‘nip.
My throte closed with terror as deer filld the sky
He yelled owt thare names as they eech past me by:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
We must find the home of that Skeezix the Cat!
He’s got big frootbat ears, and he’s not vary fat!
His frunt porch still reeks of that VDR stuff
So plug up yer nozes – this cood git kinda ruff!”
I felt a wet warmness go down my wite thigh
I had just wet my pants watching deer in the sky.
Shood I wake my frends Rocky and Maobert and Trip?
No — they’d just spent the nite doin’ Rocky’s skank nip
I was shur they’d be useless aginst all theeze deer
So I grabbed sum Repelunt, and swallowed my feer!
I snuk owt the door withowt making a sownd,
And shiverd a bit as my paws hit the grownd.
I looked at the top of the Tinydiks’ home
And saw 8 vishus deer with that fat geezer gnome.
The deers were a-snorting and pawing so lowd,
That thare breth roze in puffs to a big deer-breth clowd.
I coodn’t beeleeve whut I saw on that roof,
When just then a deer lookt at me, pointing his hoof!
I froze in my traks, and I shivered with frite
Cuz I knew that my last day on erth was tonite!
The deer sed, “That’s Skeezix! The innernet cat!
Yoo can see he’s a runt with a tail like a rat!”
I held the Repelunt, and tride to think fast
Knowing evry werd spoken cood well be my last.
I sed, “Yes, I’m Skeezix, of innernet fame!
And if yoo don’t leeve, yoo’ll be sorry yoo came!”
The deers started laffing; the geezer stept up,
And kindly, he sed to me, “Skeezy, wassup?”
I was kot off my gard by his his kool gangsta patter,
As he jumped frum the roof and sed, “Skeez, whut’s the matter?
I’m yer frend, Sandy Claws, and I bring yoo good cheer
Not to menshun sum gifts, cuz yoo’ve bin good all yeer!”
I sed, “Prezints for ME? Yoo have got to be kidding,
Yoo’ve got 8 vishus deer hoo are doing yer bidding!”
He sed, “My deer arn’t vishus. Thare speshully bred
To fly like the wind far above yer wite hed.
And they never eet cats, neether yung ones nor geezers
Cuz thare vegans – they won’t even eet joosy meezers.”
I was stunned. Cood I trust him? Or was this a scam
To lure me, then eet me with butter and jam???
The deer all turned toward me, the moment was tense
I realized I didn’t have much of a defense —
Thare wasn’t repelunt enuf for 8 deers,
Cood I dare to beeleeve whut I’d herd with my ears?
My intesstins were churning, my voicebox was myoot,
When Prancer sed, “Wow, that pink robe is reel kyoot!
Do yoo mind if I ask ware it was that yoo got it?
I’d like to git one of my own ware yoo bot it.”
Frum then on I forgot that the deers were a thret
As we talked abowt satin and silk and georgette.
Just then Sandy swooped down and grabbed me in his kote
He sed, “Skeezix, yer freezing, yoo’ll git a sore throte!
Let’s go in yer howse and I’ll warm yoo sum creem,
Tuk yoo into yer bed: yoo’ll think this was a dreem!”
I’ll admit I was kold, so I crawled in his pockit,
Wile the deer pulled the slay to the sky like a rokkit.
He fixt me sum creem and he tukt me in bed,
And he lade a big kiss on the top of my hed.
He was dresst all in fur and his owtfit was kyoot,
But his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of cat toys he’d flung on his bak,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pak.
He dumpt lots of gifts underneeth owr big tree
Lots of catnip for Rocky, and owtfits for me.
Mao got his Greenies, and Trip got sum toys
It was qwite a big hawl for the 4 of us boys.
In the morning I tride to explane whut I’d seen,
But no one beleeved that it wuzn’t a dreem.
But now I’m aware that 8 mutant ranedeer
Hoo were bred to be vegans are not to be feerd.
They reely won’t eet me – in fakt, thare my frends
And that’s how this Krissmisstime poem now ends.
Just like Santa called owt as they flew owt of site,
“Merry Krissmiss to all, and to all a good nite.”
35 Comments
Winner! Best Blog Design!
Skeezix is a cat blogging pioneer with an unerring fashion sense and mad spelling skills. He has blogged purrfessionally for Catster.com, and currently is a feature writer at Mousebreath.com. His speshul frend is Daisy the Curly Cat, and his Life Coach is Jeter Harris.
Skeez, what a wunderful Krissmiss pome. Yoo were vary brave, I am imprest! I hope Santy gives yoo some kyute owtfits.
Oh mi gudness! Whut a wundurful pome, Skeezix!! It mayd us both smyl, me an my ladee. We hohp yoo git evrything yoo want fur Krismus an then sum!
Itz niiz to noe that Santy Claws has speshul deer hoo arnt vishus, I’m glad yoo fownd that owt befor yoo sprayd them wif the VDR!
We will be thinkin of yoo toomaroh. Happee Krismus to all yoor famlee.
love,
Eclair
Finally I made it on! Excellent poem Skeezix! What a frightening night that must have been but I’m glad it turned out okay.
Wonderful poem Skeezix! Thanks for inviting us all over to hear it around your warm fire.
Merry Christmas to you and to Mao, Rocky, Trip, Mr. TF and the Food Lady!
What a wonderful adventure you had with Sandy Claws! We hope he visits tonight.
Merry Christmas to all,
~J&B
::wild applause!:: Merry Christmas to all of you!
o, Skeezix, what an xciting poem. wow, what an advenshure.
Merry Christmas to you and Rocky and Mao and Trip and to Mr. TF and The FL.
Oh, Skeezix, dat wuz furry brave of yoo to go out der wit doze vishus deer. We’z glad yoo found out dey arent vishus at all afore we sprayd dem wit VDR. Sadie will be ofer to hang out wit Rocky fur a little wile and Zippy is going to spend time wit Fat Eddy and i’Z gonna lay on mom’s lap and watch It’s a wunderful Life. We wish yoo all a Merry Krissmouse~Speedy
Oh Skeezix that is the bestest poem ever. Merry Christmas.
we love ur pome, i just woke up after noon time nip and a 6 hour nap, kinda got a nip-over. Merry Christmas to you and Rocky and Mao and Trip and to Mr. TF and the food lady.
Love it! Skeezix, you and you’re family are the bestest!
Merry Christmas to you!
Doooood…you need to be a famous author! That was frickin’ cool!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
Hi Skeezix!! Wed visit all the time but don’t think we’ve commented here yet. Mostly ’cause we’ve been trying to figger out if you is a boy or a girl! Max said it right above us…that was frickin’ cool!!!!
That’s a sooper dooper fantastic Krissymas poem, Skeezix! You’s a poet! Wow! We’s furry impurressed!
We hopes Santy brings yoo all lotsa cool goodies n owtfits n stuff
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!
Meowy Chrissymouse!
Sanjee, Boni, Mini, Pepi and Gree
Hooray – that was fabulous! Meowy Cat-mas to you all!
That was a wonderful poem guys!! *tears up* Hope you all have a MERRY CATMAS!!! What’dya get??
Skeezix,
We love your poem! You are very talented and lucky to get your very own one-on-one with the Big Guy!
Merry Christmas to you, Mao, Rocky, Trip, the Food Lady and Mr. Tasty Face.
Love from your friends,
Tabbygail, Tanith, ‘Kaika & Stella
That wuz a wunderful poem! And yu WERE vury brave to go owt by yurself wiff no backup.
Skeezix that’s a great poem…Merry Christmas to you and your family.
That was a GRATE poem! Our Mom that Lives Here readed it to the Mom that Visits over the fone. She’s was laffing so hard she could hardlee talk and her i’s were leeking, but in a good way!!
Merry Catmas to you, Mao, Rocky, Trip, the Food Lady and your special Mr. Tasty Face!
Luv,
Dazey
Jesse
Conner Cloud
and the Mom that Lives Here
Skeezix, that’s TERRIFIC! We loved it! You worked real hard on that, I know, and it’s great! Thanks so much for sharing with us.
Merry Christmas to you and Mao and Rocky and Trip.
deer skeez,
mi mom an i were laffin an laffin!
wut a grate poem frum u to yer frendz.
thank u fer dat grate chrissmuss gift to us all … an …
merree chrissmuss to u an yerz.
luv–yer grate frend–jh
Bravo!! Merry Chrissmas Skeezix!
I love your poem! That part about removing poop from your toes was *funny!
That poem is GENIUS Skeezix, furry good, we laughed and laughed. Happy Christmas!
merry christmas, dear skeezix and fambly!! you make our lives so much brighter!! we love you!!
nels, ed, nitro, xing, cheryl, & tom
Whoa, Trip-ster!
carful with the nip, dood. It can give you a nasty hangover, trust me I know. but what a nice buzzzzz while it lasts. heh, heh, right Rocky?
Skeezix, you are a great writer and I really like coming to see all your adventures. Santy paws brought me a bundle of good stuff. Left it in the closet. Be sure to check all the closets in your house to see if he left anything there for you.
Mao, that should keep the kid outa your cat cup so you can have a nice nap!
—Beezer
Merry Christmas! That’s gotta be the best pome we effur red! Our Lady’s in awe of yur talents too.
Dat is a brillyunt pome. Our mum wuz laffing an laffing when she red it, but we fink yoo wuz so brave. Merry Chris Mouse to yoo all.
Merry Merry Krissmiss to SKeezy, The Food Lady, Mr. Tasty Face, Mao, Rocky, Trip and efurryone else too!
Lots of love & purrs
Finnegan & Buddy (and mom bean too)
Happy Krissmiss Skeezix@ I loved your poem!
skeez
we luff the pomas we just wanted to wish you a happy hoilday and an marry kittymiss
Mu shue lilly lu and Iris
Skeezix! What a fabulously lyrical Christmas poem! I’ve always known that you’re furry talented, but your poem just caps it perfectly.
Merry, merry Christmas!
DMM
Oh Skeezix – that was the best poem ever – what an adventure! Hope that you all had a great Christmas!
China Cat & Willow
That was a really great poem, Skeezix. You were really brave to face 8 vishus (you thought) deer all by yourself. I am glad that you found out that those particular deer aren’t vishus after all. I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas.